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So much has happened, I swing between elation on my weekends and into depression for my weeks. My life has become a huge complicated mess and it is hard to do what I feel I need to do.

I hate hurting people. I hate it when I hurt.

What needs to be done will be done. Maybe I am waiting for a slightly better time?

Really what is a better time?

I can not avoid what I want forever. I am on a collision course. I hope to survive the wreckage.
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So how has everyone been? Good?

It is Christmas time here. I believe I got the greatest present a few weeks early. I honestly thought that I would never receive it. And yet I have.

My hands are frozen, partially from it being a bit chilly in my office, partially because the blood has withdrawn from my extremities from my nervousness.

Sometimes I wonder what people see in me. I get treated so well and I can not believe it. I don't understand it. I am not anything great or monumental. I'm just some guy. I am not particularly good looking or athletic or anything. I'm not even that intelligent. I am not charming or suave or anything like that.

I am nervous, awkward, a little bit clumsy. I'm skinny and average height.

I just do not understand what people see in me.

What is that Robert Frost poem? How does it go?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

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Why is it that when I wake up I define it by the absence of you? My dreams feature you writ large like I'm watching a movie at a drive in. Sometimes I have to wonder, will there be a day when this isn't true? What will that be like? How will I feel? Not that I really want that. I guess if I wanted that I would have done it long before now. I still dream of your smile. I don't want that to change. I only wish I could see it in a less ephemeral way.
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So like the rest of the US i have been drowned with the healthcare(hc from here on out) debate.

it is a bit silly though really. our economy is in the shite hole, we're still involved in 2 wars is this really what we should be going after right now?

well given that medicare part d(the prescription plan that w put through) alone will bankrupt the country in 20 years i guess now is as good as time as any?

A few things firstCollapse )

I may have more to say but i think that covers most of it

~Z
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I have to wonder about this. The uk has a push to ban smacking of children, hitting a child with the goal of displining them, and new zealand apparently has had this law and is reviewing it now. The arguements is that showing volence to children encourages it, that it is psycholigically damaging and dimishes the child.
My question is, What about previous generations? Was The Greatest psychologically damaged? Was any generation before that? The way I was told about it by my father was that everyone got hit, teachers were some of the people doling out the discipline. So this isn't an isolated thing. This is something that the vast majority of a generations have delt with. My grandfather had his left arm broken a few times because he was left handed, it encouraged him to use his right had like anyone else. My grandfather was not a damaged person. Hell he was one of the most well adjusted individuals that I knew. My father, while he was left handed as well that was left alone he was still hit by his teachers, his step father hit him. And he's an amazingly gregarious person.
Now I want to temper what I am saying. I am not saying you should beat your child, or that it is the only way to discipline. But I believe that physicial punishment should be a tool to discipline children. To be honest it really should be the last thing you do to discipline a child, when you have exhausted all other punishments.
I was punished in variety of ways through my life and the one this that always really got my attention, what made me stop what ever it was was just the threat of a spanking. But that really only worked after I knew what it was.

~z
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Have you ever noticed that you think more/better when you're standing up?

Sorry that i missed last week, i cant honestly say that it passed through my head on sunday, "oh i need to make a post!". oh well. I can't honestly think of anything huge that happened that week anyways.

this past week hasnt been too eventful either. I had a ton of meetings. I got my renewal for my drivers license, see when I got my license first when I was 16 it expired every 6 years or some such, but the expiration date reset when I got my new license when i turned 21 to 8 years. so here I am now 8 years older looking to get a new license. the drivers license here in nys have changed a good deal since then, I've seen at least 3 different designs since I got my over 21 license. What is really funny is that it still has the picture that i took when i was 16, I'll be renewing by mail so i guess they'll keep the picture, for another 8 years. i'm going to be 36 before I get a new picture put on the damned thing. i might want to by then, I wont look young forever.

my coworker and i have been debating the merits of the system we use at work and when/how/if to upgrade everything in the future and somethings have been coming to a head i guess. we sat down in a meeting with all the big wigs and laid out what will happen if we dont upgrade eventually. too many users overloading the infrastructure, horrid remote abilities, and sooner or later we'll be running hardware and software that wont support it. we gave our thoughts as to what to do about it, where we can go from here and now are actively investigating it.

I wiped lostmisery's laptop and installed win7rc, she likes it better than the beta. it runs well. she disappeared into sim3 again though.

the summer is coming to an end and maybe we'll have some quieter weekends coming up. earlier this spring it really did seem like this whole summer was packed. i guess thats fine, it has gone by at a good pace. gone by, we still have a month to go really, 7 weeks until the fall solstice really.

I saw what i believe is called the Prey trailer for the new AVP game. it gives me great hope that it'll capture the fear and horror of being a marine surrounded on all sides by aliens and predators.

I caught this hilarious video for this game by bethesda called WET, down right hilarious.

the trailer for the new tron movie is interesting, the updated graphics are awesome, but mmm well i hope they dont stomp on the memory of the game. seeing it makes me wanna dig out my tron 2 discs and play that again.

only 30min have past.

I finished the new Iain M Banks novel, Matter, today. It was really good. it's one of his culture novels, maybe not the best one, i think i like player of games best, but it is pretty good none the less. the end of it made my jaw drop. it took all that i had not to explain it all to lostmisery in the thought that it would ruin it for her if she ever thought to attack sci fi novels. she doesnt really like going beyond what already interests her, however i cant say i'm much different. you dont see me devouring romance novels.

i'm running out of green tea, i'll have to order some more from bigelow, they have this green tea + mint that i find to be a good balance between the green tea and mint but no stores around here seem to carry it at all. speaking of teas i've liked some of the republic of tea's teas but theres this one that i tried called matcha double green tea, its basically just green tea with matcha (powdered green tea) mixed into it. not very impressive, especially when you consider the price.

lostmisery's brother had his birthday this past friday, we just camped out on the lot his parents own and had a few drinks with him and his cadre of friends. it was fun to watch all the people. all the young people. they seem like they are a world away and they're not that much younger than i am. it really does seem like i was born in a different world from people even 3 years younger than i.

i'm only at 40 minutes and i cant think of anything more to say really. maybe i should post more often with what i'm thinking at the time?

good night.
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I still haven't gotten enough time to do the entry, I can't really think of what had happened last week. I have to try to do the entry tonight nods
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... to do my one week in anhour thing, I'll do it when I get home from work!
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its odd that my password on this account is so ancient, i keep trying to type in one of my newer passwords, much to my chagrin

so this past week was okay, i don't recall much from work really. it was a bit slow to be honest. i demo'ed my conversion testing of our main software to a new language for him. we've been writing it in VBA in MS Access since the whole thing started and we're starting to grow out of it. So i've been putting around reimplimenting it in VB.NET. my coworker was a bit concerned about how hard it would be to convert over and also for him to learn yet another language. he was greatly relieved to see how similar VB.NET is to VBA. he comes from more of a hardware background so he doesnt have a ton of experience with various computer languages. there are a few fundamental changes between the two however. it wouldnt be all smooth sailing but its do able. given that i've heard grumbling of us growing to 4 times our current size in just as many years it makes me itchy to run all that through an ms access front end. we have 300ish forms and twice as many reports as is! with the itch to implement ISO standards inside our software and our ever increasing requirements and simultaneous users it only makes sense to move to a more robust and secure front end. it'll just take time is all. like a year.

for my free time i spent most of this past week watching old frontline episodes, along with some history channel stuff. we had some friends over a few times this week. they protest their relationship, or i should say they protest to being romantically involved with each other, but every time one comes over the other is in tow. maybe they are just being really friendly or are just unsure if it'll amount to anything? they'd make a good couple, at least i think so.

i played rockband for a good 5 or 6 hours over this past week, but only like a total of 3 times. and one of those times was for 3+ hours. it was fun but damn, i cant imagine realy being on stage and whailing on some drums for that long. and every night!! /boggle mmm well it'd prolly be fun. but drummers dont get groupies. so i'd rather get back into guitar and do that!!

i spent a few hours going through wallpapers for the computer. looking at all of them i couldnt help but be struck by a thought. you see i've watched lostmisery spend hours working on one piece of artwork. even if the end result seems a bit simple its amazing at how much time actually goes into each piece. and then i look at these thousands of wallpapers. each prolly took on average 5 hours. so i was going through hundreds of thousands of hours of human artistic en devour. and then i looked at all the books on my shelves and was struck by how many hundreds of pieces of art there were there. and i started to add it all up. i must be surrounded by millions of hours of work put into art every single day. simply staggering really.

really if you think about all the time that has gone into everything that you use and look at and do every day the amount of time people have put into everything is staggering. we truly do stand on the shoulders of those in the past. it is the only reason why we have come so far.

well thats about it. the only other things that were interesting was some conversations about government and cultural philosophy. but it would be hard to recapture what was said then here.

~Howard

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am i the only person who likes to spell out numbers?? I am going to spend the next hour going over what has happened in the past week. Who knows i may be able to do this every week!

The week at work went well. It started with my boss asking me how much progress I had been making on my current project. I was a bit frustrated at the time and told him that while i was making progress it wasnt being reviewed by anyone who needed to look at it, no matter how many times i had asked for feedback. so I guess he made a few phone calls and got the right people in touch with me. I got the feed back I wanted and am going to push the changes live tomorrow morning, It should be fun!

We had a bit of a busy weekend last weekend and this weekend. Last weekend was the 4th of july and had a good number of people over for drinking and fireworks. it was fun. we played a bit of drunk rockband, which is hilariously fun, and there was some cards i think. lostmisery got sick on my sweet walter red, the most sweet red wine i've ever had, and got a few other people sick on it as well. when wine tastes like grape juice its easy to over do it.
because lostmisery was sick i went to my sisters barbeque alone. it was fun, we played volley ball a bit, bryon kept diving for the ball, he looked like a kid who'd been rolling around in the grass. because i needed to go home for sleep and work i couldnt play asshole with everyone. well i played a few hands drinking soda but that definitely was not fun, i felt like i was getting bloated by drinking so much. yes male can feel bloated.
this weekend was lostmisery's family reunion, which was okay. i met a lot of people i had never seen before. we were given name tags. i messed up my name so i had lostmisery rewrite it, and i jokingly said that i should cross out her last name and put mine. it was a bit funny to me, though i think maybe other people took it a bit seriously ?? i don't know, well it was funny.
my mother's birthday was the same day, so we left what we thought would be early but seemed to be only an hour earlier than it was going to end and picked up my sister and drove to rochester to see our mother! we bought her the whole of the twilight series, my mother is a voracious reader and gets pretty pouty if she finds out that shes missing a book in a series. three of my aunts and one of my uncles was there, along with my grandmother. it was fun to hang out with all of them. my uncle was a bit tipsy when we got there, which was quite hilarious.
as an aside i've noticed that older people seem to have thoughts that are pretty set in stone. and a good number of them are what us younger folk would consider old fashioned, quaint, prejudiced, even racist. and i have noticed that i myself have a few ideas that i think should be a bit old fashioned or quaint, i'm not sure if i hold many thoughts that are on the socially questionable end of it. like i recall when i was younger i thought that school uniforms were mmmm for the lack of a better word stupid, i guess old fashioned and not necessary in today's society. today i'm not so sure, i can see a good deal of benefits of having school uniforms. there are a few other things too but i'm not too sure how to quantify them now. i guess this is apart of getting older.
the drive out to rochester was a bit treacherous with a pretty heavy rainstorm on the way through syracuse. and it was the same way after syracuse on the way back, like the storm only moved 60miles in the whole time we were out in rochester. there were a few points where i thought i might loose control of the car. we made it somehow i guess.

my 9800gx2(video card) was overheating pretty badly last week. like idling at 80C and when it was working it would get up to 120C (water boils at 100C) before it would just shut down. I tore apart my desk, drilled air holes in the the side of the desk, put it back together, a fair bit sturdier than it was before as well i might add, and put a fan into my desk with my computer to help keep the temp down. this worked a bit but not completely, it got the idle temp down but the working temp would still shoot up.
i ended up tearing apart my video card and cleaning it completely, renewed the thermal grease and reassembled it before it would get back to decent temp ranges. it still runs a bit hot but its a lot more stable and doesn't get above 80C under heavy load now.

I then finished the standard campaign in Fallout 3. and i bought the broken steel addon so i could get up to level 30. I still need to finish infamous and deadspace and get wow reinstalled so i can experiance some of the new content. i'm still kinda meh about wow atm though. i'm getting even better at drums in rockband, getting faster, getting more accurate. it makes me wanna get a real drum set, just a simple 5 piece. it also makes me wanna practice guitar again as well.

at dunken doughnuts i was served by a girl who's name was larissa. you've been comming up in conversation a lot recently. my father recently met up with an old flame of his. he apparently realized that after so much time has passed that sometimes people change too much. for him its been 40 years. for us but 7 years have passed. each year you're farther away. i have this image in my head of you and it is frozen in time. i can only imagine where your thoughts have gone, and the things you have gone through. i find it funny, and sad too i guess, that somehow i have held onto these feelings. how is it that you still chase me, even if its only in my own head. how is it that you still haunt me so? how is it i cant move on.

my time is almost up, i am sorry this is so long and rambling. maybe it'll make some sort of sense to someone.

~Z
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In the past 2 weeks I have found that I am sleeping more lightly than usual. Not that I wake up with greater ease, but that I have been dreaming. It has been many years since I have recalled my dreams with such regularity. Over the past 5 years or so, that I recall, I dreamed maybe once every other month. I am sure that I did dream in actuality but I never recalled them, nor was I given an odd feeling in the morning. All I got was my head on the pillow and then my alarm going off. It is, in my opinion, far more restful that way. Far too often my dreams turn violent, for instance, this one from this morning there was this woman walking from poarch to porch with an AK shooting into the street, I were laying in bed watching her walk past thinking, she's going to see me laying here walk in and murder me, great I'm going to die again. And she just keeps walking by. Just so funky. Also, its odd that in my dreams I still live on the 2nd floor.
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Today I had the first cat that I took care of put down. She was about 18years old. She had 2 litters in her life. I miss her terribly already.
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I listen to to the bcc world news, and their national news everyday, I listen to talkiing heads,<a href="www.dancarlin.com>Dan Carlin's Common Sense</a> is my favorite, and npr and fox and msnbc. I read the nytimes, slashdot, Digg and I delve into wikipeidia constantly. I get constant updates on technology, culture, world politics, local politics. I am thinking that maybe I am too plugged into everything. I read/listen/watch the facts and options of thousands of people everyday. I don't confine myself to an echo chamber, I challenge my ideologies constantly and question not just what I read/listen/watch, what I consume, but what I think about what I consume. Is this good? is this bad? ~Z
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I think the Free Market is a fallacy. A pure free market is nothing but anarchy. Like the stock market.

The stock market used to be a force of good. It used to be that one would buy stocks and kinda hold onto them. you would want to see where they go, looking to the long haul as it were. the advance of our ever closer and ever faster communications has pushed this culture to where not getting up-to-the-second information and not acting on that information is inconcieveable. So a stock slightly titers and everyone pulls out. not just the brokers who work the market floors but john q. public who gets every last market fluctuation pumped into his RSS feed that he repeatedly slams the f5 button on.

the stock market has turned into a mob. the same people who get all up in arms about obscene ceo compensation are the same people pounding the market for every slight update on tomorrow's profit projection. If the mob says that you must be profitable every single day then the CEOs are going to make decisions only for tomorrow, not next year or next decade.

we have no one else to blame for our short sighted corporations. if people cared about long term profitability then thats what corportations would invest in. moving the goal posts in too far means that we only go for now.

but this begs the question, is this really a bad thing? could it be that a hyper cycle of investment and changing investment would bring the best long term viability? after all that means that the few corporations that dont burn out would be good at being profitable always. maybe this is good for the evolution of corporations. those who adapt survive and continue. those who dont fall by the way side!

maybe.

perhaps this is a bit too fast. i don't know for certain myself. what i do know is that while evolutionarly speaking this should be great in the long run, i do have to say that evolution is not the best designer. there are many many things that evolution does badly but it is good enough. and really thats all this would do, it would breed companies that are good enough. good enough to survive day to day, quarter to quarter.

but they would be flawed, like the human eye. the human eye is designed very poorly, the blood vessels are all in the wrong place, its prone deformation and irregularities. if eyes were an industrial product they would be more comparable to the first automobiles and not something like a toyota of today. imagine if there was a good chance that the headlights on any care you bought would be malformed. its correctable, your mechanic can give you some lenses and correct it so that they properly light up the road. would anyone really put up with that?

sometimes a long term view of things, an purposefully designed and engineered solution is the best one.

~z
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So I got this amazon credit card cause they gave me 30 bucks off my order from amazon. I bought a bunch of cables and a optical audio to rca audio converter, my new television only has optical out much to my chagrin.

The amazon card is through Chase and I have to say I am both impressed and disappointed with their online offerings. They let you set up auto payments, something I wish my other card would do. the interface is nice and streamlined. However they required that my username have at least 8 characters including a number. My username??!?! I've had the same username everywhere and it simplifies my life. granted it does make me a little bit more vulnerable to attack because you already know what the username you should be looking for(this is mostly true, there are a few other usernames that i use but not nearly as often as this one). Okay I can get past that. now the password requires the same thing at least 8 characters and at least one number, and no special characters. WHY?!?!?! If you're going to be secure why limit the key space to 36 characters?!?!? 48 characters are surely much better and if you support unicode well lets just say that there isn't any dictionary attack that would break that.

what else, new 3.0 iphone software has been announced. I'm definitely interested in it, not that i have an iphone (i love my crackberry) but i do have a itouch(myself, >> sorry couldn't help it) and i enjoy it immensely.

and thats it right now, i'm too low to think of more things to ramble on about.

~z
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I have stuff to say, but I'm not sure yet how to say it, I'm a bit fatugued from going to garage sales for most of the morning and so far a bit of the after noon. Gozer treated us to lunch at this indian place in clinton. It was good but not very spicy. More later I guess.
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Our guest's bike wasn't finished when we were told, so he'd here until sunday now. Not terrible, but I was looking forward to getting the routine back to normal. Because he's a guest I don't feel comfortable ignoring him because well I feel it'd be rude. He's not apart of the household really so in my head he's still a guest, he needs attention. Which is kinda exhausting. My woman I think feels the same way cause she does just what I do, we spent our time figuring out entertaining things to involve him with.

I I didn't think that a week would be so much effort when I agreed to it, and now were at 9 days and I can't help but think that from now on I'll have to limit couch surfers to 2 days. Not that I don't enjoy the company. I just need to get back to the routine.

~z
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I've got an hour to go before going home, I believe that I am taking the woman and our house guest out to dinner tonight, I hope that I'm more energetic then.

We've had a house guest for the past week. He's biking accross the country, very admirable really. While I enjoy his company the household's normal rhythm has been disrupted, that's a bit too strong of a word, its not bad, we hang out and chat. I do long to have a night alone however.

I bought a copy of inFAMOUS, that's the last time I'll cap it properly like that, and its pretty good. While I really like the good vs evil slant it really is too black and white, not enough grey. Very fun though.

~z
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Wow so I found lj2me, it works on my BB, I guess I can blog from anywhere now, maybe I'll do it more often than once a month
~z
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I have found a lj app for my ipod, now to find one for my BB so typing can be done faster ^^

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